good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
