I wish my penis had an off switch
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
