4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
