I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
tonight lets celebrate not being married
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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