Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The feeling are messing with the penis
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
