if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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