I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker