Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
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I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
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I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.