i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
