Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
