I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
