hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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