there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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