Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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