Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I need water and some morals
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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