If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Floor bacon is actually really good
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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