i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
3pm strippers are depressing
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
