Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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