that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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