I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
