you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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