I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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