My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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