Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think i got beer on your cat.
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