plz talk dirty to me
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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