My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
