i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
