The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
