It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
