she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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