It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I think your dad took our porno
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
