The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
