Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Randomize
