it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
