I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
