explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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