I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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