someone threw a dead crab at me
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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