cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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