Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
