Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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