You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
