Ambien. No doubt about it.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
