The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
did you just send me my own nude
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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