New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
