Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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