I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
