My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
