She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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