matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
