Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
