i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
