Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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