Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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