Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
