When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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