You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
