I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
