I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
